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Claude sighed as he prepared his new master's lunch. Chicken salad, as she'd asked. Such a simple master. He smirked, unlike Alois, this one had a soul he craved. A stronger craving than he'd felt over Ciel's soul. He mixed the ingredients, mumbling about cobwebs and whatnot. The only thing about this master was… She was a little… Different.

"DAMMIT CLAUDE!" he groaned, hearing her stomp into the room. He turned to ask what she needed but instead was met with a napkin to the face.

"My la- I mean, (Name)," the butler corrected himself, picking the napkin she'd thrown at him that had fallen on the floor off of the floor. "Why did you throw this a- wait. Is that a- OHMYGOD DID YOU KILL A SPIDER!?" He fell to his knees, weeping over his fallen comrade that was now just a corpse in a napkin. "WHYYYYY!!???"

"YOU KNOW WHY! I WOULDN'T KILL YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY STAYED THE HELL OUT OF MY BEDROOM! KEEP THEM THE EFF OUT CLAUDE!" she shouted, flailing her arms as her butler wept.

"Oh, and I totally can hear you when you do your creepy spider web monologue. This is an apartment, you know. Walls are thin. And you aren't that quiet. It's creepy and it keeps me up at night. NOW QUIT YO' CRYING AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH WOMAN!" she huffed and stormed from the room, leaving him to wonder why she'd called him a woman. He would ask after he made a memorial to yet another of the spiders she'd killed.
:iconclaudesbabiesplz:

ಠ_ಠ

Seriously Claude. Keep them out of my room. Or I will kill them.

Okay, so let me explain this craziness. Well, you see, it all started when I was totes about to re-watch Kuroshitsuji II, looked down at my feet and saw a spider as big as my thumb. I spazzed, and smashed it with my lotion bottle.

Then I looked up and saw my Claude poster and he was like staring daggers at me and I was like "Claude would not approve" and felt sorry for the icky soulless creature (the spider, not the demon). Then I totally had to write something about this because this would more than likely what would happen if I had a contract with him.

Other than sex. Lots and lots of sex. But that's another lemon for another time.

Seriously though. Me before Claude Faustus: HOLY SHIZZNIPPLES IT'S A SPIDER KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! :iconikillitplz: (even if it's outside)

After Claude FAUWSTUSSS //bricked//: Well, I won't kill it, because it's outside. If it's inside I will kill it. Then feel bad about it later.

:heart:Megmeg
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlittle9tails:
Little9tails Featured By Owner May 19, 2016  New Deviant
XD I kill almost every spider I see , 'cause they are disgusting -.-
Reply
:iconsamicat224:
samicat224 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2016  New Deviant
 i loled, now claude , MAKE ME A SAMMICH BITCH OR ELSE Spider Swat 
Reply
:iconsamicat224:
samicat224 Featured By Owner May 11, 2016  New Deviant
  PLZ Emoticon: Chainsaw Fear Meh ( lel spider )    =Angelina Durless (Tears) [V3]  ( couldn't find claude crying )
Reply
:iconchibipikagirl:
Chibipikagirl Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2016  Student Digital Artist
might as well make one of dem 8 leg demons my biotch.cluade, take me to the toilet! SPIDER AWAY!!!*stands on spider!cluade's back*

Claude: yes, my queen bee...*scuttles to bathroom*

damn right i'm the queen 4-eyes Laser Rage 
Reply
:iconrenjisloyalservant:
Renjisloyalservant Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2016  Hobbyist Artist
The only spiders I'll let room with me are Daddy Longlegs. I currently have one residing in my room that I've named Sam. Sam is a good boy and keeps the gnats and other gross bugs away. 
Reply
:iconcraftyviolinist:
CraftyViolinist Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2016  Student Traditional Artist
I actually LOVE spiders! Every time I find a spider I catch it and put it outside. (or I leave it where it may be) I have a spider in my room as we speak! He likes to be in my sock drawer or the "other" drawer...
Reply
:iconpsyche-izaya-fan:
Psyche-Izaya-fan Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2016
lol this made me laugh so much XD  ''NOW QUIT YO' CRYING AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH WOMAN!" she huffed'' lol    I am totally with you on the 'kill spiders with fire' thing  well I would if I weren't so freaking terrified of em...
Reply
:iconmusiclover1001:
Musiclover1001 Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
OMG! I would have said the exact same thing, except I wouldn't kill the spider, I'd put it in a jar and give it to Claude and say "Keep the dayum spider out of my room 'kay?"
Reply
:iconxxmmdfaithxx:
xXMMDFAITHXx Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2016  Student General Artist
lol, why do I keep reading Claude fanfics if I think I 'dislike him'? XD
Reply
:iconimafluffykitten:
imafluffykitten Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2016
lol
Reply
:icongamgamze:
GamGamze Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD<img src="//st.deviantart.net/minish/stash/stashing.gif"> 
Reply
:iconiratepandabear:
Iratepandabear Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2015
Once I woke up, and was in the middle of reading a Claude Faustus fanfic when I looked up for a second and saw a spider in my bed, my first thought: OMG KILL IT WITH FIRE. My second thought: OMG HE'S REAL! *flails*
Reply
:icon1insanefangirl209:
1InsaneFangirl209 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
MAKE ME A DAMN SAMMICH WOMAN!

.... Is that the gangster version of Claude I am hearing?
Reply
:iconrixe-rhapsodos:
Rixe-Rhapsodos Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2015
CUTE!!!!
Reply
:iconbunnygoblin:
Bunnygoblin Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2015
Make me a sandwich!....wait i thought i asked for a salad?
Reply
:iconcaptainbball:
captainbball Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2015
XD thats what she said
Reply
:iconbunnygoblin:
Bunnygoblin Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2015
Yes.
Reply
:iconcreepypastaluver18:
Creepypastaluver18 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2015
Poor spider but yeah Claude is just going to have to.......:dealwithit: 
:spiderla: Death by Spider 
Reply
:iconkeirathefox:
keirathefox Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2015
pewdiepie it reminds me of pewdiepie idk y dou .3.
Reply
:iconasssitant-scientist:
Asssitant-Scientist Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2015
That is so me. I HATE spiders and will kill on sight.
Claude: You sick, twisted little-
Me: *kills spider with hand* You were saying?
Reply
:iconmasterkat6:
masterkat6 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm dying of laughter Grey Kit Emoticon-Lmfao 

Thanks for the story, I loved it ^^
Reply
:iconwyvernhuntress:
WyvernHuntress Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2015
ITS SO SIMPLE AND YET SO FUNNY!!!!!!
Reply
:iconwyvernhuntress:
WyvernHuntress Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2015
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA I feel so amazingly evil!
Reply
:iconfanfictions112:
Fanfictions112 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Umm, creep spider web monologue...?!

Claude: *mumble mumble* And as the spider creeps along the we-

Me: * barges into his room* DAMMIT CLAUDE SHUT UP!!!
Reply
:iconkendycrave:
KendyCrave Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
I'm in class how dare you
Reply
:iconnova-star12:
Nova-star12 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
NOW MAKE ME A SANDWICH WOMAN! I'm slowly dying of laughter!
Reply
:iconaudioreciver:
AudioReciver Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2015
This was kind of random, but sooo awesome!!!

Is it weird that when ever I kill a spider I feel like Claude is going to kill me?
Reply
:icongiselleavro:
GiselleAvro Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
the other day, I was taking a shower, then all of a sudden I look up and see a spider. This is what happened...

me: HOLY SHIT! *flips out* FREAKING CLAUDE!!!
*the spider gets away quickly*
me: *gets out of the shower* Goddamn pervert...

And so, the spider was never killed, but it still occasionally watches me in the shower...

:icontruestoryplz:
Reply
:iconangelnotes:
AngelNotes Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015  Student Artist
I love this!! 😂😂😂😂😂
Reply
:icondezy333:
Dezy333 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Student Filmographer
o merr god it sounds just like merrBMO Eyebrows 
Reply
:iconwlucyw:
wLucyw Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
ooohhh...pour claude! i don't want to see him cry!!! :(
i like it though. ;)
Reply
:iconmeowhug17:
Meowhug17 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2015  Student Filmographer
Me: B-But I like spiders
Claude: * rape face*
Me: Fuck...
Reply
:iconanonymous-subscriber:
Anonymous-subscriber Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2014  Student Filmographer
Hory shat...... that was awesome!!! I wish that could happen with me but I have arachnophobia.....
Reply
:iconiluvanimesk:
ILuvAnimeSK Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I would never kill a spider! I could kill as many insects as I wanted, but arachnids?nah. We always have tarantulas and other spiders crawling around our house.
Reply
:iconfioleetry:
fioleetry Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
is2g Laughing 
Reply
:iconscissorclaws:
Scissorclaws Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2014
*dies of laughter*
Reply
:iconamliajane12345:
amliajane12345 Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2014  Student General Artist
I am terrified of spiders O.O
I go out of my way to kill them (Sorry Claude)
You basically wrote about me in this story 
Reply
:iconanimexmusicxbooks:
animeXmusicXbooks Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2014
I call all the spiders II see claudes so when I see a spider I yell, "Ahh someone kill the Claude!!! He's gonna eat me!!" Or something like that
Reply
:iconamliajane12345:
amliajane12345 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Student General Artist
Ha I have a mini Claude (Spider) that's in the cupboard
Reply
:iconcheesecake-superstar:
Cheesecake-Superstar Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Hobbyist
Oh my gosh. I do that, too!
Reply
:iconthe-otakuhime:
The-OtakuHime Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2014
My moms terrified of spiders but she also likes black butler whenever she sees a spider I say Claude just wants to love you!
Reply
:iconshadowgamer1315:
ShadowGamer1315 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
*dies laughing XDDDD*

Claude: mah babies!!!

me: I SAID MAKE ME A SAMMICH WOMAN!

OMG I woke my parents up and it's 11 at night Nice story XD
Reply
:iconsouleaterchic123:
souleaterchic123 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This will forever be known as the story i read when I need to laugh... I love this story
Reply
:iconnightclaw945:
nightclaw945 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014
when i was outside yesterday, two poisoness spiders crawled on me and then i screamed "CLAUDE LOVES MEH!" because they didn't bite me :'D this story reminds me of that time. so much. 
Reply
:iconshadowgamer1315:
ShadowGamer1315 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
lol every time I kill a spider I say 'CLAUDE R U WATCHING?!' XD
Reply
:iconmadhatbunnie:
MadHatBunnie Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014
Lol so true so true! 
Reply
:iconskyla-chan-haz-art:
Skyla-Chan-haz-art Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Omfg! Can't.... Stop....laughing!!! "MAKE ME A SAMMICH WOMAN!" I just can't!
Reply
:iconjamiehot-head:
JamieHot-Head Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Student Writer
Sounds like time in my life... Except Claude was NOT there!
Reply
:icondemonblade9001:
Demonblade9001 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That's me for sure alright. XD
Reply
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