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Submitted on
April 29, 2012
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Claude sighed as he prepared his new master's lunch. Chicken salad, as she'd asked. Such a simple master. He smirked, unlike Alois, this one had a soul he craved. A stronger craving than he'd felt over Ciel's soul. He mixed the ingredients, mumbling about cobwebs and whatnot. The only thing about this master was… She was a little… Different.

"DAMMIT CLAUDE!" he groaned, hearing her stomp into the room. He turned to ask what she needed but instead was met with a napkin to the face.

"My la- I mean, (Name)," the butler corrected himself, picking the napkin she'd thrown at him that had fallen on the floor off of the floor. "Why did you throw this a- wait. Is that a- OHMYGOD DID YOU KILL A SPIDER!?" He fell to his knees, weeping over his fallen comrade that was now just a corpse in a napkin. "WHYYYYY!!???"

"YOU KNOW WHY! I WOULDN'T KILL YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY STAYED THE HELL OUT OF MY BEDROOM! KEEP THEM THE EFF OUT CLAUDE!" she shouted, flailing her arms as her butler wept.

"Oh, and I totally can hear you when you do your creepy spider web monologue. This is an apartment, you know. Walls are thin. And you aren't that quiet. It's creepy and it keeps me up at night. NOW QUIT YO' CRYING AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH WOMAN!" she huffed and stormed from the room, leaving him to wonder why she'd called him a woman. He would ask after he made a memorial to yet another of the spiders she'd killed.
:iconclaudesbabiesplz:

ಠ_ಠ

Seriously Claude. Keep them out of my room. Or I will kill them.

Okay, so let me explain this craziness. Well, you see, it all started when I was totes about to re-watch Kuroshitsuji II, looked down at my feet and saw a spider as big as my thumb. I spazzed, and smashed it with my lotion bottle.

Then I looked up and saw my Claude poster and he was like staring daggers at me and I was like "Claude would not approve" and felt sorry for the icky soulless creature (the spider, not the demon). Then I totally had to write something about this because this would more than likely what would happen if I had a contract with him.

Other than sex. Lots and lots of sex. But that's another lemon for another time.

Seriously though. Me before Claude Faustus: HOLY SHIZZNIPPLES IT'S A SPIDER KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! :iconikillitplz: (even if it's outside)

After Claude FAUWSTUSSS //bricked//: Well, I won't kill it, because it's outside. If it's inside I will kill it. Then feel bad about it later.

:heart:Megmeg
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:iconsouleaterchic123:
souleaterchic123 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This will forever be known as the story i read when I need to laugh... I love this story
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:iconnightclaw945:
nightclaw945 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  New member
when i was outside yesterday, two poisoness spiders crawled on me and then i screamed "CLAUDE LOVES MEH!" because they didn't bite me :'D this story reminds me of that time. so much. 
Reply
:iconmadhatbunnie:
MadHatBunnie Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2014
Lol so true so true! 
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:iconskyla-chan-haz-art:
Skyla-Chan-haz-art Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Omfg! Can't.... Stop....laughing!!! "MAKE ME A SAMMICH WOMAN!" I just can't!
Reply
:iconjamiehot-head:
JamieHot-Head Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Student Writer
Sounds like time in my life... Except Claude was NOT there!
Reply
:icondemonblade9001:
Demonblade9001 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That's me for sure alright. XD
Reply
:iconrmstar01:
Rmstar01 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm laughing my ass off right now!!
Reply
:iconxxsorinozukaxx:
xXSorinozukaXx Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"He fell to his knees, weeping over his fallen comrade that was now just a corpse in a napkin."

Laughed so hard.
Reply
:iconeverdeen127475:
everdeen127475 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Student Writer
OH MY GOD
I AM ABOUT TO DIE
LOL
Reply
:iconraveolikarkat:
RaveoliKarkat Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That was........................................................BEAUTIFUL
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